It’s been a minute since we last spoke in a top five setting (turns out operating a theater and it’s ancillary web content on a year-round basis cuts into your time to think creatively), but welcome back to our “weekly” column, TOP FIVE TUESDAY! Nothing less than a national holiday could bring this beloved fixture out of mothballs, and that of course is Presidents Day. With the institution of the presidency resting at the absolute apex of its respectability, let’s celebrate with a very presidential top five. That’s right folks, we’re tackling….
THE TOP FIVE CINEMATIC LINCOLNS!
1. Lincoln’s Ultra-Committed Method Actin’ Lincoln
(Dir. Steven Spielberg | USA | 2012)
I think the thing that I like the most about this particular Lincoln performance (beyond the historical fidelity that DDL brought to his performance, and the idea of him providing in-character salad orders at Virginia restaurants) is the extreme grandpa energy that he exudes - constantly popping off folksy anecdotes and parables to a frequently exasperated audience. It’s a wrinkle other portrayals have not captured - a real Abraham Wrinkloln, if you will.
2. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure’s Mall Assault Lincoln
(Dir. Stephen Herek | USA | 1989)
This Lincoln gets points for assaulting a young man in a shopping mall, something no other cinematic iteration of Honest Abe can lay claim to. He also delivers a monologue I sincerely hope that someone has used (and used successfully) in an audition setting:
“Fourscore and... 7 minutes ago, we, your forefathers, were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure, conceived by our new friends: Bill and Ted.
These two great gentlemen are dedicated to a proposition, which was true in my time, just as it's true today. Be excellent to each other, and... PARTY ON, DUDES!”
3. The LEGO Movie’s Rocket Chair Lincoln
(Dirs. Phil Lord, Chris Miller | USA | 2014)
Anyone who knows us knows that there’s very little we love in the world more than a throwaway gag, and folks, gags don’t get much more throwaway than Lego Abe Lincoln flying out of a scene astride a rocket-propelled chair. For those who have yet to check out The Lego Movie: The Second Part, rest assured there is a post-apocalyptic Lego Lincoln for all to enjoy.
4. Young Mr. Lincoln’s ‘Lincoln is a snack’ Lincoln
(Dir. John Ford | USA | 1939)
Despite the efforts of a slight nose prosthesis, it’s hard to argue against my claim that young Mr. Lincoln as portrayed by Henry Fonda could get it. Fonda manages to embody the mythic ideal of Lincoln in his early years, exuding quiet confidence and profound virtue - all the while keeping it nice and tight. (Insert jokes about “legal briefs” and “Gettysburg undress” here.)
5. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’s Ax-Wielding Lincoln
(Dir. Timur Bekmambetov | USA | 2012)
I remain tickled by the fact that both Lincoln and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter were released in the same year, some sort of funhouse mirror-style distortion of the Deep Impact and Armageddon battle of 1998. But the real question is who hunted best: Abraham Lincoln or Jesus Christ? Now, I’m not saying this 2012 film cribbed from an independent 2001 Canadian film called Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter - whose plot sees a reborn Christ teaming with the historic luchador El Santo to protect Ottawa’s lesbian population from vampires - but I’m also not not saying that. Draw your own conclusions.
Is Top Five Tuesday back? Or will it disappear for another six months only to return again to celebrate some obscure August holiday? Stay tuned, dear readers...
Posted by: Tom Fuchs