Welcome back to #TopFiveTuesday! This Saturday night, we’re presenting Paul Thomas Anderson’s epic There Will Be Blood in stunning 35mm. Out of deference to this masterpiece (really, you can’t go wrong with just about any PTA, tbh), we’re shouting out its most memeified line. No, not “This is my son and partner, H.W. Plainview” – we’re of course referring to this iconic moment:
What greater honor could be bestowed upon this film (step aside, Oscars netted for performance and Cinematography) than for us to count down…
THE TOP FIVE MOVIE MILKSHAKES!
Let’s quickly shout out a quick honorable mention, from last year’s Wreck It Ralph 2: Ralph Breaks the Internet. This milkshake/pancake app game bit was a big part of the film’s advertising push (scuttled into the end credits in the film proper), and it is a delightfully executed gag. Onto the list proper!
1. Pulp Fiction
(dir. Quentin Tarantino | USA | 1994)
In the realm of milkshake cinema, Pulp Fiction resides safely atop its malted mountain majesties. Thought inflation has made it so that Vincent Vega’s disbelief at Jack Rabbit Slims’ price points is nearly incomprehensible, this scene accomplishes its goal – making me hungry for milkshakes. That said, I could watch graphic surgery footage and remain desirous of milkshakes.
2. Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters
(dirs. Matt Maiellaro, Dave Willis | USA | 2007)
Can’t in good conscience leave out a giant sentient milkshake from this list. In D&D alignment terms, Master Shake is Chaotic Neutral (for the record, Meatwad is Lawful Good, Frylock is Neutral Good, and Carl is Lawful Neutral, don’t @ me) – his demented decision-making helps spur every episode of the TV series as well as the movie. I simply cannot explain this movie in so condensed a space (it is both an attempt and affront to origin stories), featuring beloved characters like the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future, Rush’s Neil Peart, Time Lincoln, and MC Pee Pants.
3. Good Burger
(dir. Brian Robbins | USA | 1997)
As an adult man with an infant child, mortgage, and a genetic predisposition for a receding hairline, there really is no solid defense I can muster for Good Burger. While many classic kids movies can grow alongside you, revealing unseen dimensions and unfurling additional layers of meaning as you get older, this is firmly in the Wooderson-re-college girls zone: I get older, Good Burger stays the same. I still love it though! What joyous wish fulfillment to imagine that one can spend any amount of time inside of a shake machine. Plus, when you cast friend of #TopFiveTuesday Shaq, Abe Vigoda, and Arli$$ in your movie, chances are I’m going to be on board to some extent.
4. Election
(dir. Alexander Payne | USA | 1999)
Some of cinema’s more powerful milkshake moments involve some form of lactose-based violence – be it a milkshake being poured over someone’s head, accidentally jostled onto their person (classic spillage), or in the case of Alexander Payne’s Election, used as a projectile in a moment of exquisite white male fragility. In a sweet bit of brand synergy, Election will be coming your way at the Oriental Theatre in the near future as part of our Party Like It’s 1999 film series (sponsored by 88Nine Radio Milwaukee, of course)! NOTE: I fear some may argue that the beverage in question is a soda, and not in fact a milkshake, based on the cup utilized and that no less a resource than its Wikipedia page states that it is a soda. Not to get all “Back and to the Left” on you, but look at the splatter pattern and the residue left behind upon collision. A soda would not provide such viscous remnants on the automobile. THEREFORE, MILKSHAKE. *slams gavel*
5. The Weather Man
(dir. Gore Verbinski | USA | 2005)
#TopFiveTuesday is a place of warmth, kindness, and understanding, so it is here that I will live my truth as a Gore Verbinski stan. That’s right, I am a card carrying Gorehound, one of Verbin’s Vermin, a man who will sing Gorey Gorey Hallelubinski at a moment’s notice, and feels pride in my Dead Man's Chest every time a new GV film drops. This slots in nicely alongside the milkshake violence of our last entry, as Nic Cage’s David Spritz gets frequently pelted by fast foodstuffs (specifically, milkshakes) by people who don’t respect this local Chicago weatherman. It also slots nicely into Verbinski’s filmography overall – an oeuvre that spans numerous genres but nevertheless features people having to compromise their ideals or come to terms with their enemies/struggles instead of overcoming and/or defeating them. He’s like a bizarre Howard Hawks and I love him. Interested in 65,000+ words of Verbinski-based observations? GET AT ME, EDITORS/PUBLISHERS.
Posted by: Tom Fuchs